How My Darkness Gave Me Purpose

“Life is so meaningless. You live, You Die. So what’s the point?”  Thanks for allowing cynics to ask these questions! Because this one got me so riled! After going through the anger (directed at a computer screen, thank goodness), swearing and calling this person “a fuc|<n idiot” (I take that back universe!), I sat back and thought about why it had got me so worked up?  

They say that if you have a strong reaction to something it’s highlighting a part of you that you are not willing to accept.  And of course I knew, what that part was. And it is probably time that I shared this part of me to the world.  So if you hadn’t guessed,

I am a recovering, first-grade pessimist who was living a glorious life of apathy!

I was really good at being a downer. I chopped everyone’s optimism up, I was a dark cloud that just smothered any light that dared to come near me. Oooh I was sooo good at it!

In my opinion being apathetic is one of the most destructive and dangerous ways to live. People mistakenly assume that apathy is devoid of emotion.  This is completely wrong – there is a hell of a lot of emotion! But it is extremely suppressed.  

This can happen for so many reasons.  In my personal journey, I didn’t feel safe to express an emotion. I thought expressing emotions would lead to conflict, hurt, and eventually loneliness. I viewed “emotional” girls as being weak.  My lack of empathy, disconnected me from so many people (no wonder I felt isolated and alone).

When emotions are not expressed they begin to solidify and grow.   You can liken it to being plaque in an artery.   If it’s not addressed, it keeps getting bigger and more dense.  Until one day… it blocks the flow.  This is what happens with emotions.  If energy-in-motion (emotion) is stifled eventually it becomes so dense it becomes hard to feel anything and you’ve effectively cut yourself off from the current of life. 

But the poison that is apathy, extends beyond the personal.  When you are apathetic, you become a huge burden on your community and the planet.  

You’re a walking vampire who sucks out all the life from anyone who will give it to you and you recklessly consume in energy, time, and resources from friends, family and the planet, because you’ve decided “there’s no point”.

Apathy is the height of victimhood and is one of the biggest ego-trips. And I am saying this from personal experience!  I just shudder to recall what I put my family, friends and strangers through. My lack of personal responsibility, my lack of care for anything other than myself.  A very selfish existence.  And this is probably why it is so hard to share this. Because there’s a part of me that is still dealing with the shame of being that person.

To think that I had lived so many years with a view of just my own woeful existence. I refused to see the gift of my beautiful mind, the rainbow of emotions that could color the experience of the world, my ability to transform and shape life to my liking; I ignored all of that and instead choose to BE BORED AND PISSED OFF WITH LIFE!


I know that I am forever grateful for my higher self for pulling me out of that hole!

I remember one day waking up realising that life was a choice. At every moment, a choice to feel, a choice to not feel.  A choice to be happy or not be happy. 

And most of all it was a choice to find purpose.  To create purpose.  To recover what it was that we were put here to do.  To embrace and flourish with our unique gifts and step into our full potential.

This part of my life, my polar opposite, my dark sister, that I don’t talk about often, is one of the most significant things to shape my life. I can’t deny her existence because without her in my life, I wouldn’t have the passion to spread the Joy as I do right now.  I wouldn’t have the drive to do what I do, and I wouldn’t have the belief that everyone can choose a life that is totally and utterly fulfilling and beautiful.



Nik xo


If you would like to read more about finding your purpose, check out my blog here that give you a few questions to consider.

Did this resonate with you?  Have there been times that you felt apathetic? How did you get out of the hole?

Please comment and share! And Choose Joy!  

2 thoughts on “How My Darkness Gave Me Purpose

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