For the most part, I live a life that is fun, free and not overly planned – there is always some wiggle room for spontaneity. I follow hunches more often than not and I trust that everything works out. I go for it and I act with courage.
But there is an area of my life that I have struggled with and that is in the love department! For many years, I have been feeling a need to “work” on it, knowing that there are blockages in that part of me. I was always half in/half out, so things really haven’t shifted, until recently.
Over the past few months I took stock of my life. I looked at the parts of my life that were full of ease and comfort and zest and adventure. I looked at the attitude I brought to those situations. When I broke it down like this I realised that I didn’t bring the same care-free nature to relationships. I was way too serious about it, I over thought things and more often than not, acted from a place of fear.
So gently I have been breaking myself into changing my attitude and my actions into ways that align with my sense of freedom and happiness. I finally went on a dating app, because it was something I was so against doing – and when I feel strongly about something, I know that I need to look more closely.
I had many reasons why it was a bad idea: “I don’t want to meet people on an app – it’s so fake”, “it’s so desperate”, “you can’t make a real connection” etc etc. None of these excuses were the real reason though. When I was really honest with myself, I saw that I was against it because of fear. Fear of putting myself out there. Fear of being judged. Fear of not being liked.
So, taking a deep breath, I decided I was going to do it. And, even before I started the profile,
I saw all my habits, my ego, blockages, reactions – all the stuff that made it impossible for me to move forward. That's what a challenge does. It brings up all your shit!
I wanted to make authentic connections, so I had to start with me- stand and be myself, right from the get go. Be honest. Tell the universe what I really wanted. Be clear.
So after playing with the app, I suddenly found that my real life connections were opening up. I learnt the “vibe” I needed to be putting out to attract another. Wonderful, beautiful men were suddenly readily apparent in my world and there was an ease in my friendships and connections with them, because I wasn’t taking things so goddamn seriously! I could read my intuition easier and was learning to trust that feeling because I was thinking less. And most of all, I was learning to catch my old habits just before they were put into action – so I could choose another way of acting.
As I’ve grown more confident and learnt how to be more playful with this whole relationship thing, I’ve started to really be able to take control of my actions. I have learnt how to be confident in connecting with the intention of something more and because of that I have clearer feedback. I am longer getting confused with someone because I am no longer sending confusing signals. I have felt more willing to be authentic and take more leaps of faith because I have less of a fear of rejection. I feel more ready to act on a feeling than let my mind stop me in my tracks.
Finally, I feel like this part of my life, is more “me”. It feels more like the way I live the rest of my life – with a feeling of freedom, playfulness, trust and Joy.
For now this blog post doesn’t end in “and then I met the love of my life and we lived happily ever after”. There’s still more work to do, still more people to connect with and timing – oh the timing – has to be right. But at least it feels less stuck and more in the flow. And habits are still coming up, but the more I acknowledge them and choose to do something different, the less I feel afraid and the more goodness is invited into my life.
And this doesn’t have to be in just the area of relationships. That’s just what was stuck for me.
If we experience constant hardship, seriousness, annoyance, frustration, confusion and fear, then we know we are not engaging our sense of freedom and happiness.
You can start by noticing what situations you feel most at ease, most free and most happy. Notice what it does to your body as you recall it. How can you transfer these feelings, thoughts and sensations to an area of your life where you don't feel like that?
The big lesson for me out of all of this, is the old adage “if you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done”. Which for me translates to
“if you want something to change, do something different”
What are some areas of your life that feel stuck, serious and not as easy as other areas? How can you transfer your attitudes, actions and feelings from the awesome parts of your life, to the not-so-great ones? What small steps can you do to grow your confidence to be more authentic? How can you be more clear and act with more clarity, to get what you want? What would it take?
Please comment below. I’d love to hear your thoughts!