How Seeking Approval Can Hinder Your Personal Growth
24/07/2024
I've been doing a fun experiment these past few weeks. As part of The Online Conscious Business Book Club's #actionmonth, I've been looking at what meanings I create about my experiences.
In his book The Code of the Extraordinary Mind, Vishen Lakhiani claims that we make over 300 meanings about otherwise arbirtrary experiences each day! These meanings create unnecessary stress and pressure. I prefer to use the word "stories" - Because that's what they are! When we attach a meaning to an experience, we're effectively just making a story about what we think it means.
The results of my experiment.... I want to be liked!
Over the past few weeks, I've been conducting my experiment. I've been asking myself when I get caught in a mind-story (you know, one of those loops of thoughts that keep going round and around in your head) "what have I made this mean?".
It's been really interesting!
Firstly, identifying what I've made it mean, has been easy peasy (those years of self-enquiry are paying off) but I confessed something surprising to my book club mates: The moments that loop around in my head the most are the ones that I've made mean "they don't like me".
In other words, the stories that go around in my head are the ones that I've created about whether someone likes me or not.
The moments that loop around in my head the most, are the ones that I've made mean "they don't like me".
EWWWW! What a gross revelation! But also - YAY for finding that out! I said to my partner that I think this is coming out because I've been putting myself out of my comfort zone lately, socialising with people I normally don't, attending events I usually wouldn't. So my need to be liked, has been on high alert!
Attachment aka the ego is involved in creating meanings/storiesAs I write this, I find the thread of attachment here. Attachment being the inability to let go. When attachment is present in the mind, we can almost guarantee that the ego is at play - which it clearly is in my case! Only the ego worries about being liked or not!
The archetype that get's triggered here is The Prostitute - they do anything to be liked! They sell themselves to be loved! So they become people pleasers. And the antidote to that is the opposite archetype, The Lover. The Lover says "I love myself no matter what! No one and nothing can give or take away my love!".
So the pattern I see in myself is attachment - characterised by giving meaning to something and paying lots of attention to it (the loop effect) - to my ego's identity of, being a person that isn't liked. My ego has created a version of me that believes that I'm someone who isn't liked! Oh isn't this fun, Nik?!
The archetype that get's triggered here is The Prostitute - they do anything to be liked! They sells themselves to be loved! So they become people pleasers.
When I sit with this identity, I can see where it comes from - It's little Nik. Nik who was a kid who got bullied and teased at school. Nik who was the odd one out and who's mum spoke funny. Nik who wasn't girly enough and was too rough and too much. I say to myself "Nik, it's okay to not be liked, not everyone will like you, that's life. I love you, no matter what!" (Thanks Adult/Lover Nik).
What a trip aye? This work of self-awareness never ceases to amaze me. Even after 10 years of doing this work, it still brings me surprises in deeper layers and more nuanced variations.
So how does this want to be liked, relate to you as a leader?Well, as a Conscious Leader, it is not very helpful if you want to be a creator of positive change! With change often comes opposition and if you are caught up with wanting to be liked, you're not going to get very far with that change! Being a leader means that sometimes you have to do things that no one else dares to do, be bold and.... gasp NOT BE LIKED for it!
You can still be compassionate, you can still be kind. But even kindness wont guarantee you'll be liked. If you continue to please people and mould yourself to be liked, guess who misses out - you. You'll displease yourself!
If you're so concerned with whether or not people like you now, how are you ever going to change? You can't. You've stunted your own evolution.
It also means that you can't evolve. If you're so concerned with whether or not people like you now, how are you ever going to change? You can't. You've stunted your own evolution.
Needing to be liked, means you can't become the leader you need to be to create your vision of positive impact. Who you need to become, requires your willing evolution. If we can't evolve beyond who we are now, how can we expect to create something new? It's impossible!
Nor can you be the role model of positive change and evolution. Part of the path of Conscious Leadership is about role-modelling growth. Your can't inspire people to change, to grow, if you aren't doing it yourself!
It's time for some self-reflection:- Where do you create meanings where there are none?
- What experience are you rolling around in your brain, that you've made a story up about that may not be true?
- Where are you attached to a version of you that isn't letting you be your full potential as a leader?
Journal on this, talk about this - bring all that fuckery to the surface so you can get rid of that sh*t! It's time for it to go and time for you to GROW!
As always, I'm here for your constant evolution!
Arohanui,
Nik Chung
Ps. I'm deep in all the stuff with the Conscious Leader's book - not the creative writing but the nitty gritty publishing aspect of it all! If you want to know more about the journey of writing this book, including sneak previews of the book, join my VIP Book waitlist here!
Pps. Want to join the coolest little book club online? The Conscious Business Book Club is a unique book club where we take action and are held accountable for doing what we learn! It's now open for new members- our next #readingmonth starts August and we're diving into Robin Sharma's new book The Wealth Money Can't Buy.
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